in the septic tank.
He wasn't even the real Reverend.
The actual Reverend was being murdered by his wife,
the woman whose head you just split with an axe. Stellar timing by the way.
She confessed to planning to run away with her lover, Max,
recently deceased thanks to Charlie.
And the two million sum of dollars her husband the Revered raised
from his side venture in shooting and selling snuff films. Oki-doki?
Groovy!
"Groovy"?
Three people died tonight, Josie.
In this business, unfortunately, death is an occupational hazard.
And by the way, way to go using my name in front of the cop.
Charlie.
(Deputy) Look, um, I can help.
I'll testify that I heard Mrs. Smalls confess to killing her husband.
And as for Mr. Smalls herself,
she was threatenlng the llfe of a pollce officer.
What about the guy in the tank?
You killed him by accident.
You wouldn't do much time at all.
Five years tops.
(Josle) Oh, my God I
[laughs]
Well, that doesn't suck.
I have to hand it to you.
That was a brilliant plan, after all.
(Gus) Can you belleve it? We're rlch.
You guys can keep my share.
I'm gonna turn myself in. If I go to jail, I go to jail.
Don't be ridiculous. You earned this.
They're gonna hunt us down like animals.
With this kind of money you can disappear and never be found.
I have a wife and daughter. I don't wanna disappear.
No. Okay, fine. Gus and I will leave the state
and we'll just drop you and the Deputy in the middle of nowhere.
Shouldn't we get rid of the Deputy?
What?
Since he's the only one who can testify we're innocent of the murders.
Okay, Miss Teen Oklahoma. Then...
(Deputy shouting) Helpl
Help!
# It was a long Long hour #
# In a long long year #
# It took a time To get out of the rut #
# And the long gone power Got you bendln' over #
# And It's time To get out of the rut #
# I sald can #
# Thls nlght go on #
Yes! Hold his head.
What are you doing?
Just helping him to relax a little.
# Go on and on And on #
# To the next You are headlng #
# Rlght In for the crash And the burn and the fear #
# On to the door where The lock Is all locked #
(Josle) My frlend here declded to surrender.
So we're gonna drop you both "somewheres" nlce and say goodbye.
You're making a big mistake.
Let's get out of here.
Wait, wait.
I gotta go pee.
Please.
The handcuffs.
In your dreams.
There are certain requirements.
[Unzips pants]
[Laughs]
There. Enjoy.
I'm sorry.
I can't go if you're, um, watching.
Oould you just close?
Stage fright. It happens to the best of us.
[Muffled mixed volces]
(Gus) One minute warnlng.
You dropped this.
No, I can explain.
(Charlle) Get up, partner.
What the hell's the matter with you?
It's a flight to Vegas. 8: 00 A. M. Tomorrow.
We were supposed to meet at noon to split up the money.
That asshole broke my nose.
You'd better have a friendly explanation.
Alright, okay.
I lied about Thais needing a cornea transplant.
She's fine.
I owe my wife 300, 000 bucks.
I'm sorry?
I owe my ex-wlfe $300, 000.
And because of that snake of a lawyer of hers
there's a restralnlng order agalnst me until I pay up.
I have not seen or talked to my daughter in two years.
Why didn't you tell me?
Would you have helped?
Of course not.
[Glass smashlng] [Tollet flushes]
Oh, my God.
There goes our alibi.
U h-uh. Freaking fantastic!
Don't you see? None of us has to run away
or turn ourselves in.
What do you propose? We roam the country
living on the land like Bonnie and Olyde and Olyde?
No. First we take the cop's car
and crash it into a tree up the road.
Then we take hlm and the Reverend's wlfe and put hlm In her car
and then we push it over the cliff.
But they'd find the car in a couple of days.
Yeah, and what would the forensic figure?
The Deputy was driving under the influence of alcohol,
crashed into a tree, flagged down another car
drlven my Mrs. Smalls. He took control of the wheel
and drove them off the cliff.
And the wounds, I mean,
they'll be more than covered by the crash.
The Reverend gets murdered on the very same night
that his wife gets driven off the cliff by a drunken cop?
What about that doesn't sound very accldental?
He has a point, for once.
Okay, um.
Okay. Then we plant Mrs. Smalls' gun in the car with them.
They figure out it was the weapon that killed the Revered.
They think maybe she had an affair with the Deputy.
Maybe they decided to off the poor Revered,
and then, you know, maybe they had and accident.
That's a hell of a lot of "maybes".
Let's hear your bright idea then, boss.
Ah! Hooh!
Old broad sure liked her food.
(Josle) Fancy body bagsl
Are you sitting here eating a lollipop?
I didn't have any dinner. I need the sugar.
Ow!
Are you okay?
Yeah. Let's just get this done.
# Hands on the Blble #
# Scatter llke a chlld #
# And God Holds you llable #
# For what you've done #
# Homicldal #
# Stare down Your Idols #
# Pretty baby #
# Never born #
# You can't belleve It #
# You dldn't mean It #
# But they Saw you do It #
# And they know Your name #
# Rats In the attic #
# Toys In the cellar #
# She's an addlct #
# And he wants To learn #
# Hands on the Blble #
# Egomanlacal #
Are you going slow?
We don't wanna attract attention now, do we?
No, we don't wanna go back in time now, do we?
Actually it's only by going faster than light
that one could even theoretically go back In time.
Do me a favor. Shut the fuck up!
You seem to have some serious stress related issues.
You're not Oanadian by any chance, are you?
What?
Well, the 2003 Statistical Report on the health of Oanadians
states that 62% of...
What the hell is wrong with you?
You keep pulllng these random, rldlculous facts and stats
out of your ass and it's, like, nobody really gives a shit!
Jesus Ohrist, man! Here's a nifty little stat for you.
For a guy that knows everythlng about everythlng.
To get a job In a call center, you have to be bar-none,
the biggest loser I have ever met in my life!
And I'm from Las Vegas!
You ever hear of a neurotransmitter called acetylcholine?
A what called what?
It's the chemical your braln uses for memory, dummy.
Does it?
Yeah, it's exactly right.
The reason I lost my teachlng job Is I have thls dlsorder
typified by a gradual, acute neuro-degeneration of the cerebral cortex.
Or if that's too pulled out of my ass for you,
I'm slowly loslng my memory.
Are you making this up?
The doctors think that in a year or two
my mind wlll be a total blank.
So the only thing I could do to slow things down
is to keep working my memory as much as possible.
Do you remember what's In the blue bag?
What blue bag?
[Chuckles]
Jeez guy, I, I'm really sorry, you know.
Hey, Gus, what's the Greek word for "bullshit"?
You son of a bitch I
Stop it!
[Horn honking]
Are you fucking crazy?
He lied to us again! He doesn't have a daughter!
You probably don't even have an ex-wife, do you?
Is everyone okay In there?
We're fine. Everything's fine.
So, thanks for coming over.
I think we should call the Police.
What? No! No, come on, let's not bother them.
They've got a lot on their plate.
You're fine. Your car's fine. So...
Yeah, but I'm pretty sure that's standard procedure, isn't it?
I'll be honest with you. I don't give a rat's ass about standard procedure.
So here. Why don't you, uh,
why don't you pack your fat ass back in your car, okay?
And go buy yourself as big a sandwich as your heart desires.
That's standard enough procedure for you?
Your trunk is open.
Are you all going on a trip somewhere?
Sure looks like you're packed for a long one.
Is that your entire wardrobe you got in there?
It's a couple of dead bodies.
[Laughs]
That was a good one. That was good.
I'm glad you liked it.
[Watch beeping] Oh, Jeez.
Oh, it's time for old stingy.
What?
Oh, it's insulin.
Whatever.
[Car door Is opened and closed]
Freak show I
Ow!
You son of a bitch!
Granted, I lied.
But I have responsibility towards myself.
When I got out of prlson, I swore...
What? You were in prison? For what?
I kind of convinced some people to invest in some businesses
that weren't actually, technically in existence.
Anything else you forgot to mention, sociopath?
Oome on! Aren't you overreacting a little bit?
Overreacting?
I happen to be a very good con man!
That's my talent. What do you want me to do, waste it?
You don't go around using it on your partners, jerk.
You know, I bet Gus isn't even your real name, is it?
What is it? No, no, really. I'd love to know.
My mother, God rest her soul, named me after Augustus.
(cholr) # Plenl sunt caell Et terra #
# Et terra glorla tua #
# Plenl sunt caell Et terra #
# Glorla tua #
# Plenl sunt caell Et terra #
# Et terra glorla #
# Plenl sunt caell #
(Gus) Maybe she jumped out of the trunk somewhere.
She didn't jump out of any trunk. She's fucking dead.
Did you check her pulse?
No.
Why didn't you check her pulse?
Because, Charlle, stupld me,
I assumed that when you have an axe lodged in your skull,
your pulse tends to bottom out on you.
You shouldn't assume so much.
Just settle down, kids, right?
All that matters now is that we find her before someone else does.
Try and keep it on the road this time.
Hey, fuck you! Fuck you both!
When people ain't sucker-punching me in the eye,
my driving is just perfect, thank you very much.
[Thump] [Tyres screech]
Want me to check her pulse?
[Slren walllng]
Charlie?
H i, honey.
(Pen) What are you dolng here?
What are you doing here?
Well, we received an anonymous call reporting a body in the middle of the road.
We just ran over it.
H i. I'm Josie McBroom.
I thought you were having a drink with your supervisor.
Technically, I'm Junior Supervisor,
but they did place Charlie under my tutelage.
And you must be...
Penelope Wood. Detective Penelope Wood.
Of course. Charlie has told me a lot about you.
Did he mention that he has a little girl
and that I had to brlng her with me
because there was nobody home to look after her?
Now, what happened exactly?
Well, we were driving into town,
and all of a sudden, bang, you know,
we ran over this body here.
There was nothing I could do to avoid her.
No one, no one could have.
I swear, she just popped out of nowhere.
And you are?
I'm Gus. Gus Dickinson, that's my name.
Ooworker of Charlie's.
Who are you calling?
My Deputy.
[Cell phone rlngs]
Aren't you gonna answer that?
U h-uh. It's probably just my ex-boyfriend.
Freaking stalker, you know.
Deputy Garman, Detective Wood here.
You need to report in immediately.
[Cell phone rlngs]
Detective Wood.
Where?
Shit.
The eye is at the station.
Alright. I want you all to follow me down there.
I'm gonna need your statements.
Oan't that wait 'till tomorrow?
It'll be a lot more productive
if we had like a good night's sleep, right?
[Slren walllng]
You might have mentioned the part about your wife being a detective.
Yeah, Gus. You might have mentioned the part
about not owing alimony to your imaginary ex-wife,
and your imaginary daughter not really going blind.
Touch¨¦.
(Pen) Everyone, thls Is Speclal Agent, Chester Hymes.
Well, can you beat this?
My friends with the bodies in the trunk.
It's an inside joke. We ran into each other earlier.
How do you do? I'm ready when you are.
Charlie, can you look after Emmy for a second? You two, follow us.
We're screwed.
Nobody is screwed if we keep our story straight.
We had a few beers at Gus' place. That's the end of it.
Got it?
Got it.
Gus. We're screwed.
Do you think Special Agent H ippo is gonna figure anything out
more than where to find a really great buffet?
These abrasions on her knees and elbows
indicate a leap from a moving vehicle. We can deduce
that Mrs. Smalls' would-be killer
presupposed her already dead
when she was transported by automobile.
Are you alright, Mr. Dickinson?
U m, yeah, yeah. This is a first dead body for me.
And I drunk beers at my place.
Other than the axe wound, which judging from the angle of entry
came from a much shorter person, possibly female,
nothing here indicates any sort of fisticuffs ever took place.
I can safely say that Mrs. Smalls' murderer can be found
within this very room.
(Pen) What?
Just a figure of speech. What I mean to say is her body
will tell me who her killer is
after a more thorough examination.
However, I can hazard a name rlght now.
Please do.
I'm sure It wlll come as no surprlse that her killer
is none other than
the Oregon U ndertaker.
Well, we all could've figured that out, Agent Hymes.
I ndeed.
Everythlng's gonna be okay, sweetie.
(Charlle) Hey.
So, I guess I'll take Emily home?
Why don't you leave her here with me?
Yeah, but I can easily...
Good night.
Wait!
You're not going anywhere, little lady.
Not without your coat.
Would anyone care to say something?
Just take me home.
No way. We've got a dead cop to ditch first.
I don't care about the cop.
I don't even care about the money anymore.
I just wanna go home and pretend this never happened.
Yeah, it hasn't exactly been a run of the mill night on the town, has it?
All I wanted was to take care of my family.
Okay, Charlie.
The sooner we dispose of the Deputy's body,
the sooner you can get started on your pretend happily ever after.
How does that sound?
[Message box] You've reached Deputy Stu Garman.
Leave your statement after the beep.
Oome on, sweetheart. It's time to go home.
[Whispers] Oh, Charlie.
Are you sure he'll actually sink in there?
Absolutely.
You done this before?
Never.
U nrefined, unheated tar has a viscosity grade of 250, 000.
What does that mean? He won't sink?
No, he'll sink.
It might take a week or so, but he'll sink.
Well, better get started then.
(Hymes) Hold It I
You followed us.
I figured It would be a little more expedlent
than listening to a heap full of bull-pucky testimony.
I guess I was rlght, just llke always.
Listen, um, Agent Hymes.
You let us go and there's a million dollars with your name on them.
Are you offering a Federal Agent bribe?
Yeah.
Thanks, little lady.
Gus? Oome over here for a sec, would you?
Tell me I'm fat.
[Laughs] I was joking.
I wanna hear you tell the fat guy how fat he is.
I was kidding, alright?
You might be a little on the heavy side, you know,
but it's nothing a few centuries jogging can't fix.
Son of a bitch I
Sorry. Dld that plnch?
The official version is that Gus here attacked me
during an arrest, and I was defending myself.
Stupid walrus.
The official version is that Gus tripped
and fell on his face during the arrest.
There's $2 million in a bag in the car.
It's all yours. Just take it.
Oan you beat that? One million just became two million.
And people sald thls economy would never bounce back.
Ahhh!
Shoot him in the fucking eye!
Shut up!
Wait!
Don't move.
I know who you are.
I thought you looked familiar.
Fellas, your accomplice here is Lucy Broom,
aka Lucy McJoseph, aka Josie McBroom.
What are you talking about?
You're the Wyoming Widow.
What?
Gentlemen, the Wyoming Widow's M O Is always the same.
She seduces an unsuspecting fellow.
She fornicates with him.
Then she offers up a little slp of whlskey.
The poor sucker never lives long enough to realize
that he also just drank hlghly concentrated thalllum.
You've been watching too many soap operas, Agent Hymes.
You're not actually believing this crap, are you?
They say that she always keeps her trusty flask on her person.
Just In case the next bug files Into her web.
Bull! Oome on!
He's just making this crap up to save his ass!
I could've sworn I felt one Inslde of her coat pocket
back in the station.
Empty your pockets, Josie.
Charlie!
Holy shit!
You planted this in my coat back at the station, didn't you?
No, I didn't. I swear to God I didn't.
Thls Isn't mine.
He is lying. He is lying!
Take a drink.
Oh.
(Gus) Take a slp, Josle.
There.
Are you ha...
(Gus) Josle? Oh, my God.
Oh, God. Josle, Joslel
Josle, come on, spit It out I
[laughs]
You are so pathetic!
That was not funny! Get off.
You dumb shits! I told you he was trying to mess with us!
Fuck! Fuck!
[Slnglng In German]
Jesus!
[Gun clanks]
I think that belongs to U ncle Sam.
Hold on. We're on the same side here, Ohester.
I'm an agent, too.
When the hell did you take that off me?
Back at the station.
Listen. Here's the thing, Gus.
There's a friend of mine, an agent, one of the best.
He's been protecting the innocent for a long time now.
And, well,
he's gotten fed up with working his ass off
for ungrateful morons who call him "fatty."
The pat on the back If thlngs go rlght,
or the stars and stripes on his coffin if they don't
just doesn't cut it anymore.
I have two million here.
Believe me when I say no one will ever claim it.
Tell your friend there's a million for him and a million for me.
What about two million for him and nuts for you?
Oh, come on, Ohetty. We're partners here.
You insult me, Gus.
You're not even a real criminal.
You're just a small-time crook
who got shot twice in the chest resisting arrest.
Listen, I have a daughter, Thais.
Thais?
That's Greek for "beloved."
[Shoots twice]
You shot me!
That's the first true thing you've said yet.
[Thump]
What took you so long?
Mommy?
It's all right, sweetheart.
Go back to sleep.
[Hymes splitting]
Please.
You know I can't eat this much sugar.
You shouldn't do thls.
Like you shouldn't have killed Gus?
(Charlle) Keep eating.
Gus was a backstabber.
He told me he was gonna kill you,
and make off with the money.
That's why I killed hlm.
I saved your life. I'm telling you the truth.
Eighty nine point nine percent of all U S Government Agents
can beat a lie detector.
Please. This isn't right, Charlie.
You know thls Isn't rlght.
Your wife is an officer of the law.
Shut up. Shut the fuck up!
[Watch beeps]
U h, oh, God.
I don't wanna dle. [Sobs]
I don't wanna die...
[gasps]
Please.
[Retches]
God, we really did it, huh?
What?
We really turned into monsters.
Oh, Charlie.
[Dlstant barking]
Oh, come on.
I'd say it was worth it.
Let's get the body in the car.
It's heavy enough to sink now.
No, wait.
There's still one passenger missing.
You said you wanted to pretend none of this ever happened.
One sip at this,
you can kiss all your worries goodbye.
The Wyoming Widow?
Yeah.
But I saw you drink it.
[Laughs]
Never far from my trusty flasks!
Brilliant.
After all I was Miss Teen Wyoming.
Now, obviously I can't let you go
and risk having you report me.
And fuck!
Two million does sound a heck of a lot nicer than one million.
You were right, Penny.
What's that?
Penelope always said, "Money won't make you rich."
I just, I just didn't believe her.
You do seem like a genuinely decent guy, Charlie.
I'm real sorry I gotta do this.
You don't have a choice, do you?
No, I don't. But you do.
You want me to shoot you,
or you wanna go for the whiskey?
What did Hymes said you used?
Ooncentrated thallium. Much quicker than cyanide.
Any last words, Charlie?
Don't spend it all in one place.
What?
[Coughs]
What?
No!
No! No!
What? Fuck off! You fuck!
[Shouts]
# What do I do To be close to you #
# What am I dolng For your love #
[telephone rlngs]
(Charlle on message box) Charlle, Penelope, and Emily
can't come to the phone rlght now. Please, leave us a message.
(Samuel) Thls Is a message for Charlle Wood.
Charlle, my name Is Samuel Koenlng.
I'm Senior VP of Barstow Publlshlng's Dlvlslon here In Seattle.
Listen, I'm calllng In regard to thls book you've sent us,
Build a Better Brain and Beat the Big Nothing.
Seems to me llke It's a no-bralner. Hal
Serlously though, we have an offer for you,
and we certalnly thlnk you'll be happy with it.
Call us back at your earllest convenlence.
# I've been travellng #
# In far off lands #
# You are the only Thlng that I miss #
# And the sun #
# Stretches out ahead #
# And time Takes its time #
# If don't come Back then #
# I'm coming To make you mine #
[honks horn]
H i.
H i. Where are you headed?
As far away from here as possible.
I think that one we can do for you.
This must be my lucky day.
U h, let me just double check something real quick.
[Laughs]
All set.
Alrighty.
# Born to be down #
# I've learned All my lessons Before now #
# Born to be down #
# I thlnk you'll get Used to It #
# And you just Don't get It #
# You keep It copacetic And you learn To accept It #
# You know It's so pathetic #
# And you just Don't get It #
# You keep It copacetic And you learn To accept It #
# You know It's so pathetic #
(dlrector) And action.
[Silent talking]
Agaln.
U h, agaln.
H i.
[Shouts]
[Laughter]
[Straining]
Aaah!
No!
I've got him.
(male volce) Whoa, whoa, whoal
Don't move. Whoa, whoa, whoa.